terrible gods

It's been entirely too long since my last post.

As I sit down to write this I am perplexed by all that has transpired in my life the past three weeks - it seems as if I've lived a lifetime in 2o days. One side of me wants to rant about all the ways people have let me down, disappointed me, and angered me while the other side wants to walk away, keep my mouth shut, and move on. I think if I had been writing along the way, the rant of rage would have won the battle and this blog would have become the very thing I've tried to avoid: spew. So, perhaps, this is the high road or it's part of my maturation. In the end, people have failed me along the way but this is nothing new in the greater scheme of things. I remember what my youth pastor told me a long time ago when I was in high school: "I might be a great man but I am a terrible god." The reality is, he would eventually make a series of bad decisions that failed his family and his friends. Yet, he was right: great man - terrible god.

So I am back writing again longing for clarity as I move forward. I am pursing and being pursued, asking questions and being questioned, generating options and being deflated. Rejection is a difficult animal as it both crushes dreams and makes paths straight. Lately my prayers have centered on the simple idea of clarity, "Lord make my path straight. Close doors so only one will remain open." The slow process of waiting, dealing with rejection, waiting, questioning , waiting, doubting, wondering, waiting, hoping, being frustrated, and longing wears me out. However, this is my journey, my reality. Rejection closes doors and the path becomes ever straighter.

My goal this week is to study well, read with purpose, write with integrity, and seek clarity. Please feel free to respond, post, email, critique, call and pray. I have been reading Psalm 39 in earnest over the past month or so. The last poetic idea says it well:

Hear my prayer, Lord,
listen to my cry for help;
do not be deaf to my weeping.
I dwell with you as a foreigner,
a stranger, as my ancestors were.
Look away from me, that I may enjoy
life again
before I depart and am no more.